Singed Hair

I am an idiot. I did something stupid lighting my fireplace and burned my hair. I am sad. I really like my hair and now I have a layer of short burned hair. I am sure I will catch a man now. Groan.

I am scatterbrained.

I met a nice fellow for coffee tonight. We had a nice time and chatted for a couple of hours. As we got up to leave I couldn't find my purse. We sat outside when we first got there, so I went outside.

No purse.

Mr. Nice says he didn't notice my purse, but wonders if I could have left it in the bathroom.

At this point I am freaking. If I left it outside someone would surely have taken it. I am going to have to call my parents to bring my spare car key and spare house key. It will take then 40 minutes to get here and by then the coffee shop will be closed. The guy I am with is nice, so he will feel he should stay even though a) we just met and b) he has been up since six am.

I look in the bathroom even though I am positive I didn't take it in there. As I'm coming out Nice guy (and I'm being serious, not patronizing) is talking to the girls at the cash register. One of them comes over to me and asks if it is a small black purse. She brings it over to me and explains that she found it on the table outside.

Apparently in all the excitement of meeting a nice, cute man I left my 200$ bag outside with my 250$ wallet and 200$ phone inside with the keys to my fancy car in it. OH MY GOD! I am so dumb and soooo lucky!!!! And, I am sure I made a great impression (now I am being sarcastic!)

Pharyngula Mutating Genre Meme

There are a set of questions below that are all of the form, “The best [subgenre] [medium] in [genre] is…”. Copy the questions, and before answering them, you may modify them in a limited way, carrying out no more than two of these operations:

— You can leave them exactly as is.

— You can delete any one question.

— You can mutate either the genre, medium, or subgenre of any one question. For instance, you could change “The best time travel novel in SF/Fantasy is…” to “The best time travel novel in Westerns is…”, or “The best time travel movie in SF/Fantasy is…”, or “The best romance novel in SF/Fantasy is…”.

— You can add a completely new question of your choice to the end of the list, as long as it is still in the form “The best [subgenre] [medium] in [genre] is…”.

You must have at least one question in your set, or you’ve gone extinct, and you must be able to answer it yourself, or you’re not viable.

Then answer your possibly mutant set of questions. Please do include a link back to the blog you got them from, to simplify tracing the ancestry, and include these instructions.

Finally, pass it along to any number of your fellow bloggers. Remember, though, your success as a Darwinian replicator is going to be measured by the propagation of your variants, which is going to be a function of both the interest your well-honed questions generate and the number of successful attempts at reproducing them.

My great-great-great-great-great-great-grandparent is Flying Trilobite
My great-great-great-great-great-grandparent is A Blog Around the Clock.
My great-great-great-great-grandparent is Shakespeare’s Sister.
My great-great-great-grandparent is Excuse This Mess…
My great-great-grandparent is Saying Yes.
My great-grandparent is Really Small Fish
My grandparent is A Drinking Song
My parent is oklahomeless.com
My siblings: overlyverbal, What’s Bubblin’ in Dublin, Kittenpants, Matthew

1. The best cult movie in scientific dystopias is: Dr. Strangelove

2. The best sexy song in rock is: I really have no opinon on this, but I'll go with Pour Some Sugar on Me.

3. The best play in absurdist fiction is: Waiting for Godot

4. The best dead comedian in American comedy is: Phil Hartman

5. The best moment in live television was: I can't think of any in my lifetime... most of them are pretty bad. I guess maybe the moon landing was pretty amazing (for those who were alive)

6. The most disgusting of all the salt-cured meats is: ham. yuck.

7. Most reviled of all the elements on the Periodic Table: Plutonium

Okay, Blomquist Family and Seth Peck, you have been tagged.

More On Our Friend, The Greatest Living Poets!

Because I have nothing better to do, I've done a tad more investigating on our poet friend (who by the way, apparently believes himself to be not just one, but two poets!). I spent a bit more time and discovered his books are self-published by the Xlibris Corporation. Go here to see how you too can become the greatest living poet or poets, if you'd like.

I also discovered that you can purchase a signed copy of his books FOR HALF PRICE! Woohooo! They are a mere $15.00 a piece. A "savings of about $9," it says. I guess he isn't the greatest living mathematician (thank you, Daniel). You can get this amazing offer until "the authors private collection runs out" -- my understanding of self-publishing is that they are ALL the author's private collection.

Here is what the website says about the greatest living poets (well, or what the greatest living poets says about the greatest living poets, anyway):
"The age of Academic Poetry IS over!
Modern Poetry IS like Rock & Roll...
The age of Academic Poetry is OVER!
Move over, Ziggy Stardust, forMark Rendina"

He also has a page all about string theory. I'm the first to admit I know nothing about string theory except that I think it has to do with physics, here is what the greatest living poets has to say about it, "By one of the oddest paradoxes in human history, String Theory can restore William Blake's credibility to the cab drivers and the hot dog salesmen of every city. " Huh. Okay. Sure, greatest living poets, I believe you.

I highly recommend you visit our friend's website, if for nothing else to enjoy the really bad clip art!

This guy is crazy

Okay, so I am going to cut and paste my conversation with a guy from yahoopersonals. Truth be told, I don't know why I even replied to this dude in the first place as his profile is rather obnoxious. He is VERY full of himself. I think I was just super curious about this dude based on his first message:

"So please say hello ...I am in Paris now but look for your mail Kiss Mark"

Seriously, who signs something "Kiss"????

I replied back "oh, business or pleasure"

"For pleasure and to care for my houses. I am halfFrench and Half Italian...but born in KC...strange I know. So you cansee my website qnd try to write memore than one sentence if you are interested in meeting when I get back 22 NOV Kiss Mark"

Okay... houses plural? Whatever... And what's with the "more than one sentence comment" Seriously.

I asked him to elaborate on the whole living in KC thing. This was his response:

"Hi I am now at my house in Italy, Tuscany

Web site is greatestlivingpoets.com

Sick today

Write soon when u get ur thoughts together:)

Kiss Mark"

Again with the "when you get your thoughts together" as if I am a moron or something. So, I go to this website, and OH MY GOD! I really, really think you should all go look at this asshole. He actually calls himself the Greatest Living Poet. I kid you not.

This was my response: "Wow. Huh. Well, I realize you don't know this about me, but as a professor of writing [okay, so this is a bit of an exaggeration], I find your website rather offensive. Good luck."

This was his response: "Thank you ...truth about the death in poetry is hard to take for the professional academics...you have boght into the evil system

is a self licking ice cream cone,...good luck

I will bury you all;)"

Seriously. This guy is NUTS! He can't spell or write in his emails. I really don't get it. I am sure he is emailing from his crap apartment right here in KC, not from his various HOUSES. C'mon, I've been to Paris. People don't really have houses in Paris. And talk about vague... "Italy, Tuscany". As if Tuscany is a town. Oh, and he says he works for the 'politics/gov't/military" Really? Do they hire lots of crappy poets with big heads?

Oh, oh this is funny... this is his profile description: "Hi! Looking for a serious man that can give excitement and attention to your life? I am looking for the right girl to enjoy life with. With a successful career I am a man that has proved himself in many fields and have all the confidence a girl looks for in a man. I have enough experience in life to know what I want. I am always successful in my plans and ideas. If you are tired of little boys than try a rock star good looking man. If you looking for the real thing then click here:)"

Oh, and just for fun, here is a sample of his poetry:

"No longer keep me incantation,
flesh my seamless electron
antenna to all human screens.

Earth behind on math elevators,

light in my space ray, a steam on glass;
daily love soon forgot at the mechanic level;
paper money held till I squeezed the ink,

cities raised and once believed."

If he's the greatest living poet, we're all fucked!

Strange Behavior

Well, one thing is for certain, online dating is providing me with plenty of fodder to write about. Here is the latest weird thing to happen... And even weirder, it happened three times today!

I have posted an age range of 28-38. I would ideally want someone at least my age, but two years younger seems reasonable. I'm really not too interested in anything younger because of mature, and I am also not interested in too much older because I'm just not (so there!) Does this age range stop people from emailing me? No. And that is fine... why not give it a shot. I then email back and politely tell the person they are either too young or too old. (I try to email anyone who emails me because I think it is polite.) So, one guy started the contact by saying he is too old and that that is too bad. I email back, thank him for his kind words (he said something nice) and wish him luck on his search. He responds that he is really a young 40 and precedes to tell me all about how they always tell him that at work. Okay... I now feel like I am in a debate, and he somehow thinks if he proves to me that he isn't really, despite the year he was born, the age he is. Groan.

Another guy who was 25 (25!) sends me a message. I reply explaining that he is a little under my age range. He responds that he has just had a birthday, so he is actually 26. I tell him that that is fine, but he is still under my age range. He precedes to try to convince me that he isn't too young and that I "shouldn't judge a book by its cover." And there was a third one, but it wasn't as interesting as these two.

Really, do these men think they are going to convince me I should go out with them? Who are they kidding? If I thought they were great, I wouldn't have turned them down. I just don't get the really aggressive messages. I don't understand what they think they will accomplish. It makes me think that just ignoring emails would be better (or not online dating at all...)

Today I had another weird experience (actually there were two like this, but the other one is much more complicated and doesn't involve religion but does involve a gross misunderstanding). A guy thought I was blowing him off because I said, "so you are a strong Christian" and inquired how many Christian themed tattoos he had. Honestly, I was just curious! His reply back to me was really defensive. I was shocked! I have my religion marked, so he could clearly see I wasn't anti-Christian or anything.

I have nothing to say.

I really have nothing to write about. I have no clever ideas or interesting observations. That sentence makes it sounds like every other time I write, I do have a clever idea or an interesting observation. I believe that is a gross overstatement of the truth.

Part of why I have nothing to say is because I've been replying to all the dudes who sent me messages on yahoopersonals. I am trying to be nice. I figure if they email me I should have the courtesy to email them back, but sometimes it is really hard. What do you say when someone tells you they think you have a lot in common, and you look at their profile and go, yeah? What? I've had to become really creative with some of them. The interesting thing is this is not the norm for me in real life. If I am out, I rarely (if ever) have guys come up to me, so I am not used to it. I think online dating makes it easier to start up something with someone you would never go up to in a bar. I think this is both good and bad. Right now, for me it is mostly just work.

With that, I shall leave you, gentle reader... (assuming there are any of you!)

Online Dating

Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results?

I really must be insane because I am trying online dating again. It is just the only way I can figure out to meet dudes in my living room. And meeting them in my living room is easy. I like things that are easy. But, as with most things, hard word brings about good results, so I shouldn't be surprised that I haven't met anyone great, I guess. I am, at least, learning all the things men do and say on their profiles that irritate me. Seriously, who told them that they should pose without their shirt? Or with their ex-girlfriend? And what's with including a shout out to your favorite sports team? Do you think that's a good way to attract women? Men are weird.

I have a headache.

Waking up with a headache is unfair. Whoever came up with that idea is a cruel meanie. Getting a headache later in the day is one thing, but waking up with one? That just sucks. I have many things I would like to accomplish today, but this whole head pounding thing may just suck the motivation out of me.

Daylight Savings Time

I personally don't like the whole time change thing in the first place. I think it is mean. When I wake up tomorrow an extra hour will have magically disappeared, but in the spring an hour disappears. That is just not fair. I know I'll get that hour back come fall, like I will do tomorrow, but by then I won't care. An extra hour isn't as important as a MISSING HOUR. Plus the horrible Daylight Savings Nazis are going to steal one of my evening day light hours. Who runs this place? I am so going to move to Arizona.

And before anyone lectures me on how energy is saved by DST and it increases revenue and blah blah blah, just let me have my moment where I ignore the fact that in the summer I get a little more light at night. It isn't summer now, so I have a right to be irritated that it will be dark when I get home from work. Sure, it'll be light when I go to work, but what does that matter? Bah.

On top of all that, I still can't figure out this whole Daylight Savings Time Change -- not Daylight Savings Time -- that I get, but the change of when we do it. Who up and decided to move it this year? Seriously, is there a group of guys who get to decide this? This isn't just an American thing, after all. Does this bunch of (probably) guys get to change holidays too? Are they scientists? I want to be in the cool we-get-to-move-stuff group. Where do I sign up?

New Location

I've been blogging quite sporadically on *groan* myspace for about a year now, but I don't like it there, so now I am here. I mostly don't like that I can't spell check. I am a notoriously bad speller (thanks Dad!), and it is some times embarrassing to have people (even those who love me) read my bad spelling.

I shall move some of my favorite posts over, so they can live on into perpetuity. Everyone knows that is a good idea. And I will attempt to write every day, following in the footsteps of my friend Seth Peckquist nee Peck. These daily posts may suck, but I really need to try to write more. My brain feels better when I do! Plus, I write in my head nearly every night before I go to sleep, so maybe I could just try to post here before I go to sleep and get all of those thoughts out. Before you go, you write in your head? Yes, yes I do. Quite literally. I think with punctuation and everything. I am sure that this alone makes me crazy.

Why I Should Keep My Gas Tank Full (7/11/07)

I'm lazy. In a former life I would have come up with all sorts of excuses for all sorts of things that occurred because I am lazy. Now, my philosophy is "fuck it, I'm lazy." I am single, I work 40 hours a week (well, maybe less considering I rarely stay at work an entire 8 hours and that counts my hour or so for lunch), I have no kids and I have a housekeeper. Does that explain to you my laziness? No? Does it help to know that my housekeeper also picks up after me? I'm not kidding. She folds my clothes, makes my bed, lets my cats in, puts my stuff away... basically I pay her to be my mother (not that my mother ever made my bed!)

Now, you might be asking, what does my laziness have to do with keeping my gas tank full? Lots.

I have run my current car out of gas no less than three times. I have owned said car for four years. I know EXACTLY how many miles I can go once the light comes on. Does that mean I get gas as soon as the light goes on? Nah... why would I do that when I know I can go 40 more miles? I will pass a gas station with my car on empty rather than stop.

Normally, this reckless gas consumption works out just fine. Once I even rolled in to a gas station, literally. My car died right in front of the pump (did I mention I live a charmed life?). Well, Saturday night, things did not fare so well.

Long story short (and believe me, a very long story precedes this), I ran out of gas. I ran out of gas at 143rd and Metcalf (for those of you not in the know, I live nearly 70 blocks from here). A friend had just left and kindly picked me up some gas. Seems like my charmed life has continued, right? Wrong. He brought me the gas, I gave him some money for it and then put my wallet on my car. Did I mention I had over 200 bucks, in cash, in my wallet? No? Well I did. I then put the gas in my car and drove off.

Now you might be thinking, "Oh, that Suzanne, she's pretty clever, I'm sure she didn't leave her wallet on her car and drive the nearly 70 blocks home," but you would be wrong. I did drive home. And my gas light did come on during the drive home. I chose not to stop for gas.

Back at the Chica Blanca, I realized I did not have my wallet (I did mention the 200 dollars in cash, right?). So, despite the glaring yellow gas light, I drove back to 143rd. Did I find my wallet? No. Did I get gas on the way there? No. (What are you, stupid? I didn't have my wallet, and clearly I'm not the kind of person to keep any spare money or credit cards in my house!) I arrive back at the scene and do not find my wallet. Luckily a nice man gave me ten bucks to buy some gas (I did mention I live a charmed life, right?).

I head back home to Waldo. At this point, I've driven back and forth to 143rd and Metcalf four times. Once home, I begin to call my credit cards. While on the line, I get a call from AmEx -- they have a cop on the other line and he has my wallet. I then head back to the OP (123rd and Metcalf this time) to get my wallet. Is anyone surprised that a kind citizen found my wallet and took it to the police station in the middle of the night? Of course not, what with me being charmed and all. And obviously, my wallet was still holding all my cards and two hundred dollars.

On the drive home (at two AM) I swore to my friend Jeff than this was the universe teaching me a lesson about keeping my gas tank full. I vowed to never do something like that again.
The next day I drove to meet some family for dinner north of the river (about half an hour away). Did I fill up my tank before I left? Nah... Did I do it when the light came on? Nope.
Why would I do a silly thing like that, I live a charmed life, after all....

Cleanse? (7/11/07)

I am clearly retarded.

Anyone who knows me knows I survive on sugar, carbs and caffeine. I am the anti-diet poster child. Last month I think I ate mostly Stouffer's frozen mac and cheese, cookie dough and coffee. I'm serious. In grad school, I would go home for lunch and eat, I kid you not, cheezits, a diet dr. pepper and cheddar cheese melted on toast (sometimes as many as three slices!) To top it all off, I don't even take vitamins. Lord knows why I'm so darn healthy...

So, to my surprise and dismay, I decided I should "cleanse" myself. Why? Not sure, but I did it and it sucked. I cannot describe how much it sucked. For five days I ate nothing but vegetables and fruits. Yuck. I actually chose not to eat when hungry rather than eat more god forsaken vegetables. I thought this cleanse would help me incorporate more veggies into my diet. I'm now not so sure. I mostly never want to eat them again.

What did we learn from this, boys and girls? That Suzanne has amazing will power and that vegetables taste really, really bad if that is all you eat. Oh, and that a bad way to incorporate more veggies in your diet is to only eat veggies.

Two Years Ago Today (3/28/07)

Two years ago today I woke up to find a letter informing me that my marriage was over. Exactly a month later I was divorced. The letter cited such reasons as reading too much and eating too many cookies. My ex has since apologized for such ridiculous reasons, but no matter the reasons, the result was the same. I have had much heartache over these two years, but I've also grown immensely and wouldn't change a thing.

Since March 28th, 2005, I have moved three times and started four new jobs. Tomorrow I will be starting a new career. My ex has tried to reconcile with me no less than three times. I've fallen in love. I've had my heart broken multiple times (mostly by my ex). I've forgiven and forgiven and forgiven. I've learned that no matter what, I won't stop trusting or forgiving. It's just in my nature. I will, however, be a bit smarter about it. I've been to Canada three times. I applied for PhD programs and then decided I didn't want to go. I learned to love myself again. I lost my wonderful Boo Bunny, and then welcomed two abandoned rabbits into my family. I found home again. I went on ten vacations (ten!). I made a handful of wonderful friends. I made other friends who I learned weren't so wonderful. I learned what makes a true friend and how to be one to myself. I've read a lot and eaten a lot of cookies. I've gained some gray hairs. I've grown in innumerable ways, but I still have much to learn. There were times I didn't know if I would, but I have survived. And I am better for it all. As Ernest Hemingway wrote, "Life breaks us. And when we heal, we're stronger in the broken parts."

On Being Human (3/15/07)

Sometimes I am amazed by how human I am. If you prick me, I will bleed... and bleed... and bleed. As humans we are meant to fail, but my god how the failing hurts. Learning I am human and therefore fallible was a hard lesson, and I still have trouble with it. Isn't that something I should have learned earlier in life? Wouldn't it have been easier if failure had been a more apparent part of my existence? Or, at least, a little more obvious? Everything always worked out. Perhaps not at first, but in the end, it always did. And then life started and I was human. It has been a rude awakening. I am no longer the golden child I once was, but through all the crap -- through all the humanness -- I've learned to be happy. What a silly, silly contradiction life is: you really do have to know sorrow and pain to recognize all the joys life has to offer. All those cliches people spout at you when you are down are true, it seems. Experiencing life, and all it has to offer is difficult, but I would not trade in my past "life" for this one. It is only since I have allowed myself to be human that I've found the true happiness that comes from within.

Authentic Happiness (1/13/07)

Background: There was an article in The New York Times this weekend about this new branch of psychological study called Positive Psychology. I guess this guy, Dr. Seligman is the forerunner in this field and is training psychologists in the field of positive psychology. The idea is basically that you focus on the positive rather than the negative. Well sort of. Anyway, Dr. Seligman wrote a book called Authentic Happiness and on his website of the same name, you can participate in on-going research and take tests over which the results have already been formulated. Just in case you are interested, the webpage is authentichappiness.com.

After reading this article today, I decided to go to the webpage and take some of these tests. I was rather surprised at the results. (Wow, I really sound like an ad for this webpage, don't I?!) I took one that was supposed to measure my current level of happiness -- guess what? Despite being what is for me REALLY REALLY sad the past few days, my current level of happiness is still somewhere in the 80th percentile. I took another one which asked questions about the last seven days and was supposed to measure my current depressive-ness (is that a word?) -- again, shockingly happy is the old Suzanne. I took another one that supposedly scores how I "appreciate" the past -- I scored in the top 13% of people on this one (actually I got a perfect score -- who knew this was possible?)

What did I learn from all of this? Apparently, I'm a pretty positive person and I have lots of great stuff in my life. It is amazing how quickly we get bogged down by our lives. I was reflecting today that I have much to be happy about - nay - EXHILARATED about. Sometimes we get so caught up our "poor me" routine that we forget the suffering around us. Sure there are people starving out in those countries whose names I can't pronounce, but what can I do??? C'mon people, there are people starving HERE. I saw a homeless man who didn't even have a coat in this weather. For crying out loud I have students who don't have HOMES and others who can't afford to even put gas in their cars. These are people who couldn't BUY a job, and they, my friends, are the lucky ones because they could get student loans to try and better themselves. The issues these students have are ones I cannot even comprehend, and I have the audacity to CRY over a man??? Hell, even if I look at my own life I have much to be thankful for - I will NEVER be where I was two years ago. I will NEVER let anyone control my emotions again. I am in control of my own happiness, and by golly, happy I am. I'm not letting life get me down because this life is all I have, and I'm not going to waste it wallowing in my own self pity.

Moral of the story? Despite any recent suckiness, all's well in the Chica Blanca, yo.