Why I'm not dating: Part II (aka I'm a great milk-finisher)

I didn't realize this was going to be a two parter, but low and behold it is! Before I get started on Part II, let me take this moment to remind you that spell check isn't working, so please forgive any misspellings of which I am sure there will be many (for instance, is that how you spell misspell? or is it mispell? They both look wrong.)

Okay, so there is really more to the story than my disdain for dating. In fact, that is really only a secondary reason for why I'm not dating. The main reason is that I'm perfectly happy single. Sure, my life isn't so exciting (see here), but that is just fine with me. I had a life that with so fraught with drama and excitement that I couldn't handle it (if you'd like a glimpse into this, see here.) I like things the way they are. I like that if I make a mess, it is my mess. I am not bothering anyone else with my mess. I can choose to clean said mess whenever I feel like it, but the most important part is that it is my mess. I like that. I like the fact that if the milk is gone, it is because I drank the last of it. This doesn't mean that I would not be willing to give up some of this control if it meant that I had a wonderful parter who made messes and drank the last of the milk, it just means that I am a little bit hesitant to do that. I'm pretty content with the status quo, so I'm not out actively pursuing a milk-finisher. I guess that is really the main reason I'm not dating -- I'm whole all by myself. I'm a great milk-finisher.


For me, a good relationship would be one where I took care of the house, paid half of the bills, and he took out the trash and hung out with me with. Companionship is really all I want. I don't need to be taken care of financially or emotionally. I'm doing just fine. I don't even mind taking care of someone I love -- in fact, I kind of like it. I just want someone who won't cause me much emotional strain. I've done that -- I've done that so much that I broke it. I got it fixed, but I don't like it when my emotions are broken, no siree, so I don't want to do that again. That doesn't mean I'm scared to be in a relationship, it just means that in my history, relationships have had tremendous costs with very little benefits (I guess I'm back to the theme of Part I), and I know that by myself the costs are very low. And don't you start with the whole 'but what about the benefits' malarkey -- I know it is just that. Why would I actively seek something that disrupts my happy existence? I wouldn't, so I'm not. And that, my friends, is the real reason I'm not dating.

Why I'm not dating

A friend asked me the other day why I'm not dating. The thing is, I don't think of it as not dating, at least not on purpose. Theoretically, I am dating -- in the respect that I am not closed off to the idea -- I'm just not currently practicing. Or more specifically I'm not looking. Does that make sense?

So, back to the question... I am not dating because it doesn't seem to be worth it. Right now, everything in my life is about the cost/benefit ratio. Here's an example: Going to work means I can't go on vacation, can't sleep late, can't read books all day, etc. Those are the costs of working; however, going to work means I can eat, feed my pets, have a house, etc. Those are the benefits and since they far outweigh the costs, I go to work. We all know how this works (which begs the question 'why are you explaining it then?' To which I answer, 'cause I wanna, and its my blog, so you can't stop me' and then I stick out my tongue like the eight year old I am).

Well, when I examined the benefits of dating they are slim -- the main benefit is that I might meet "the one" (if there is such a thing, which is a whole other discussion). Now some might say dating is fun and that you get to meet interesting new people, but I don't see it that way. I don't like it. In my recent dating past I have gotten to meet liars, stalkers, more liars, carrot danglers (as my former-friend Amanda called them) and insecure buffoons -- some were even insecure liars, while others were insecure stalkers who also lied. You can read about some of the interesting men I ran into during my forays into online dating in my past blogs (I would link to them, but there are too many), and there are many others I have yet to blog about (men who work for Sprint, anyone?)

Bottom line, to me the cost of dating far, far outweighs the benefit. And that isn't even taking into consideration the cost/benefit ratio of relationships themselves... I think that if the 'world' or 'universe' or 'higher power' or whatever wants me to date, dates will appear in my life.

You've heard it here first: I'm done looking, but I'm not done dating.

Going to sleep is the most exciting part of my day

Last night, as I was falling asleep (and blogging in my head, as I like to do. Sidebar: I really wish there was a way I could hook my computer up to my brain. I do my best 'writing' in those moments before sleep. Or maybe my brain is sleep addled and the 'writing' sucks but seems really great. Anyway, I digress.) I began thinking about how sleeping is really the most entertaining part of my day. I have such amazingly vivid dreams, and, check it out, in them I get to participate in all this wild stuff my sub-conscious self comes up with. How cool is that!? I think dreams are really cool. I get to have a participatory conversation with my self. That is just super neat stuff right there.

As neat as these dreams are, I think maybe it is sad that they are more interesting and entertaining than the hours I am awake. Should I really look forward to falling asleep THAT much? I am totally content with my waking hours. I like my job. I like my house. I like myself. Sure, I'd like it better if it weren't winter anymore and if I got to go on more vacations, but otherwise, things are grand, just not exciting.

I need my spellcheck!

For some reason the little spellcheck button isn't working, and it is making me upset. I am a horrible speller. I just am. And misspelling words makes you look stupid. Bah.

Why blogging makes me feel bad.

I clearly have issues. Not that this should really come as a surprise to anyone who knows me; however, I was surprised at the recent manifestation of my issues. I realized that I don't like blogging if I don't think people read what I write. It doesn't matter if it is a million people or only one -- I just want SOMEONE to read, and I want to know that they are reading. The thought of writing something for public consumption and having no one take notice is horrific to me. It makes me feel silenced. I honestly can't stand the thought of not being heard. And it isn't that I think my ideas are so important -- clearly most of what I write here is pretty trivial -- it is the idea that no one cares enough to read what I have to say.

Clearly, I have some deep seated insecurities.

Dexter

I don't know how I missed this show. Okay, yes, I do. I don't have cable, so even if I had known of its existence, I couldn't have watched it. It is really good. And troubling. I can't believe how sympathetic the main character, who is also a serial killer, is. I really like him and am bothered by him at the same time. The show also makes me wonder how many sociopaths I've encountered in my life. It was once suggested to me that my ex husband might be a sociopath. It wouldn't surprise me. Not the murdering thing, but the not feeling thing. Anyway, Dexter is good, and it is on DVD and streaming video on Netflix. You should check it out (but not you Kristy, you don't like blood -- not that I like blood, but I am not bothered by it in movies -- crap, maybe there is something wrong with me too!)

Dreams

I frequently have weird dreams. Perhaps everyone's dreams are weird, but so few of us remember them that the ones we do remember seem especially odd. That being said, I seem to remember nearly all of my dreams, or at least pieces of them, and they all seem odd. Some, however, are stranger than others, and I am constantly wondering what they mean. The logical part of me assumes that if I dream of ice cream it is because I like ice cream or I was thinking of ice cream before I fell asleep -- it just seems so irrational to believe that a dream about ice cream means that I am satisfied with my life (which according to the Dream Moods Dictionary, it does) -- how do all people on this planet automatically know that ice cream is indicative of happiness in one's life? Do all people in the world love ice cream? Why doesn't cake mean contentment if one dreams about it? Don't all people like cake? (FYI: "To see a cake in your dream, indicates that you need to learn to share and allocate your workload instead of trying to do everything yourself. Cakes also symbolize selfishness or the feeling of not getting your fair share.")

Despite my reservations, I have a history of dream analysis being correct. A few years ago I dreamt I was swimming nearly every night. The dreams otherwise varied, but in each one I was swimming. Sometimes I was in a pool, sometimes in the ocean -- the only common denominator in the dreams was that the water was never scary or uncomfortable, and that I was swimming. I had these dreams so frequently that I even asked my therapist if she knew anything about dream analysis. She didn't, and I had a lot going on, so I didn't worry about it. After the dreams ended, I looked up the meaning. According to every single dream 'dictionary,' dreams of swimming are extremely common for people going through therapy. Voila! For the year that I had the swimming dreams, I was in therapy at least three hours a week. After this experience, I was hooked. Logic be damned.

So, what have I been dreaming about lately? Well, I had two dreams with alligators in them and two with spiders. Those are the only themes, and they aren't great ones. In the first alligator dream, a huge alligator was trying to break into my grandmother's house. (Isn't it funny how things that don't make any sense in real life make sense in your dreams?) My sisters and I were the only ones home when this was happening, and we went upstairs to hide in the bathroom. I can remember feeling the house shake as the alligator tried to force his way in. I realized my cat Finnegan was in the hallway, so I ran out to get him and then I woke up. (On a side note, I only ever dream about one of my cats... isn't that odd?). In the second alligator dream (which happened a few nights later), I was at Wal-Mart getting my oil changed. The waiting room for oil changes was the same as the taxidermy department. All of these people were standing around waiting to get their animals taxidermied by the Wal-Mart taxidermists, but the animals were all alive. They looked dead -- all limp and lifeless -- but they weren't. When I saw all of these dead deer looking at me, I freaked out and started to run away, and just like in horror films, everywhere I turned were more living dead animals. It was soooo scary. The last one I ran into was an alligator that attacked me. It took a hunk out of my thigh.

So, what does all of that mean? I'm not sure. Here's what the Dream Moods Dictionary says about it:

To see an alligator in your dream, symbolizes treachery, deceit, and hidden instincts. It may be a signal for you to take a new perspective on a situation. It may also represent your ability to move between the material world of waking life and the emotional, repressed world of the unconscious. Alternatively, the alligator represents healing powers and qualities.

To dream that you are running away from the alligator, indicates that you are unwilling to confront some painful and disturbing aspect of your unconscious. There is some potentially destructive emotion that you are refusing to acknowledge and owning up to.

According to biblical interpretations, an alligator suggests that leviathan is king over the children of pride. (Psa 74:14, Job 41:1,Isa 27:1)

In the first of my spider dreams, I had to eat this huge nasty spider to stop something bad from happening. I did, but it was horrible. I had that one a few weeks ago, but a couple of nights ago I had another spider dream. In this one I had to wear this costume that had this poisonous spider in it. I don't know why I had to wear it or why it had to have this spider. I was told there was no way the spider could hurt me, but it did. I had this horrible bite on my chest, and I was told I would die and there was nothing that could be done. I wasn't in any pain. All I remember was that I wanted to tell my mom that I loved her.

Here's what the Dream Moods Dictionary says:

To see a spider in your dream, indicates that you are feeling like an outsider in some situation. Or that you may want to keep your distance and stay away from an alluring and tempting situation. The spider is also symbolic of feminine power. Alternatively, a spider may refer to a powerful force protecting you against your self-destructive behavior. If you kill a spider, it symbolizes misfortune and general bad luck.

To dream that you are bitten by a spider, represents a conflict with your mother or some dominant female figure in your life. The dream may be a metaphor for a devouring mother or the feminine power to possess and entrap. Perhaps you are feeling trapped by some relationship.

In the first spider dream I killed the spider by eating it. In the dream I had to, but according to this, it is bad luck. In the second, I was bitten, but I wanted to find my mother. How odd.